Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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