please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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