well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
