I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
