You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
