dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
