What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
