WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
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Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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