So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
