They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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