I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
