I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
