i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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