yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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