The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
