the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
