he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
