I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
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My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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