How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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