Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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