Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
