Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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