I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
