Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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