I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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