Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
