I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
