my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
