Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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