I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
