I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
