i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
