i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
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When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
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Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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