omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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