last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
