I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
