I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just invented taco cereal.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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