just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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