Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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