my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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