Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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