Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
