I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
