Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
