I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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