I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I came so hard my ears popped.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
