Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
