My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
