So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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