I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
