my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
