dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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