Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
