I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
