My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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