I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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