How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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