If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
two words...techno handjob
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My dick has a subreddit
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
